don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
