i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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