meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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