P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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