I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
