Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
