as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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