we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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