if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
