Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
you made out with another girl for some wings
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
