everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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