I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize