my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
