His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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