I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
