When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
