If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize