Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
