After last night, I could never be a politician.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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