If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
