well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
