Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?

Fav 49 1730 6173
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(478): View more from Georgia

I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell

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(415): View more from California

Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".

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(314): View more from Missouri

i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.

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(914): View more from New York

I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list

Fav 18 5383 1031
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(270): View more from Kentucky

My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"

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(956): View more from Texas

Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?

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