I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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