i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
