I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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