i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
