I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize