is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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