If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
