My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
