you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
