OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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