its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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