I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
