hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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