Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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