Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
