my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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