I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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