I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
