I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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