K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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