So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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