yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
