All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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