She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize