my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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