Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize