Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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