he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
