nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Randomize
