He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
