my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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