I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
