so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
