Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
