Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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