I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
