its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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