I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize