I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
